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Monday, June 23rd, 2008
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11:45 am - mmmmmm
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| Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
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10:18 pm - Haha bitches!
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I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!
Has it really been a year? I had completely forgotten about dear old LJ until tonight. I sat at my computer and pondered.... *prepare to enter brain* Gee self (I said to myself) wouldn't it be lovely to have a place to blog my little heart out? Hmm.. I know, I'll google blog hosting sites.. what's this? LJ, I used to do LJ! What's this? My username is still active?? Thank you Internet Gods! (or Goddesses depending on the level of gender equality you proscribe to)
So bitches, eye be Cap'n Fluffybeard an eye be back! Argh! (disclaimer: author of this blog is in fact a Ninja and is only pretending to be a cat pirate for the sake of this pseudo-amusing introduction into her return to the world of online journaling. disclaimer over.)
Let's see... anything changed? Ah yes. Broke up with Joe and moved out. Lived with the 'rents in Esco. Moved to Carlsbad, fell in platonic love with Ms. Nicole my roomy. Went nutso living with a 2 year old boy, moved to Escondido into my own little apartment hell. Had job, switched job. Switched job. Switched job yet again and am now working in Oceanside for a Custom Carpentry Company. Woo hoo alliteration at its very best. Moved to Valley Center to live on other parent's (yeah, I have two sets. Yay me. Oooh, and the kicker? The four of them are best friends. Yeah, put that in your pipe and smoke it.) property to get out of debt and save money. Meh. Everyone needs to be 30 (yeah, I'm 30 now, what. gah, dirt. older than dirt. pretty sure) and moving back in with the folkses, just once in their lives. (well technically you're only 30 once unless you're a sad middle aged pathological liar that can't accept and admit the fact that you make Hoffa's corpse look good) So. Here I be.
It's not that bad I suppose. I've been working me arse off at the gym, and running a little Saturday hiking group. I'm down about 50lbs and in the best shape of my life. I'm still a recovering fat girl, I still have me some buttermilk's (rolls for those unenlightened into the verbage of the rotund) but all in all I'm looking thick and shexay, instead of grossly icky. Go me go. As a matter of fact I've been conquering the world of muddy competitive sports. And by that I mean my sister and I did the Camp Pendleton Marine Corps Mud Run last weekend. Yes in deedy folks! Your beloved couch potato queen got her Jello (tm) jiggly ass up and did 6.2 miles of hiking/speed walking (not running yet. knee caps shouldn't slide sideways) and major mud filled obstacles. What, I rock, that's what!!! We finished it in 2hrs, 15mins and were not the last ones in. Woot! We stank, could barely move, but left the base feeling like we could conquer anything. And by anything I meant the Quarter Pounder with cheese meal from the McDonald's on base. *sigh* I knew better. Made me sick. But damn those little grease filled potato wonders are God's gift to clogged arteries. Mmmmmm.
So yeah. Not bad. OOOOOh, before I forget to tell you: I have a website!!! Well, I have a shambled mess of a $9.95 Godaddy do it your selfer, but it's there! For my makeup business. I decided to put my talents to the test and see if I can make something of myself. www.dramaticfxmakeup.com
I worked on a couple of projects, posted a picture or three, and am trying to break into the glamorous world of Wedding makeup. We'll see what happens.
So what's left... My sister had my second nephew, David. Those two boys are the closest thing I have to true love in my life right now. Yay, dating segue!! Or lack thereof. Being a almost-but-not-quite-anymore fat girl in the dating scene in good ole Shallow SD is The Suck (tm). Capital The, capital SUCK. Shallow men, man, they're everywhere. I just typed out and deleted the beginnings of a tirade about just how rad I am, but for the sake of brevity (brevity? me? bwahahahah, I know, just pulling your legs) we'll leave it as... I rock. Hard. But because I'm in a Pillsbury dough-girl wrapping instead of a ... a.... dammit, I can't think of a tasteless stick type food. But you get the picture. Anywho, I get stuck with these asshat clowns that just aren't up to par. For anyone. I become the just for now girl. The in-between great relationships girl. The "damn baby you're so pretty... but your arms wave more than the UN's collective flag collection" girl. And the sucky part? I think I can't do any better. Oh, correction, I USED to think that I couldn't do any better. Because on the way home tonight I made the decision that these asshats (word of the day by the way, got it off my "Angry bitter man-hating estrogen lined word of the day toilet paper" now available at White trash mart) aren't good enough for me. Why? Because I rock dammit! But somewhere along the way I forgot that oh so important fact. Just because (get ready for text book classic case psycho-analytical shiot) my father left us when I was little, doesn't mean it was my fault and I wasn't good enough to make him stay. I've spent my entire life trying to be good enough. Good enough to keep the friends I have, good enough to keep the men I date. Man, talk about SERIOUS abandonment issues. Co-dependent anyone? With a side of pathetic?
I'm starting a new paragraph. Not because the subject is changing, but because I've written one helluva chunk and I'm confusing myself.
So yeah. I don't know that I've ever once looked at a man and said... You're not good enough to be with me guy. Well, maybe that one time, but that was because I found out he lived with mommy and daddy and was bi-sexual but only took it in the ass from very large black men, his weapon of choice. Ew. *banging head on desk* That was an eye opener. Pun not intended. But I dated that clown for MONTHS.. simply because I was so thrilled that someone liked me. Gah. Well you know what? You're not good enough for me, guy. Not by a long shot. I guess it's time I figure out how to make me good enough for me. Fake it till you make it, right?
I'm tired. My fingers hurt. This long ass post has probably given you all headaches. But I'm baaaaaaaaaack! Woot.
current mood:  amused
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
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9:00 am - I LIVE!
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| Friday, October 20th, 2006
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3:17 pm - I'm still breathing.
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Been spending most of my time with Myspace. I've been neglecting my LJ. Although it seems like ya'll have too. The only person that faithfully posts still is Ayamanatara (which is highly enjoyable). The rest of you suck.
www.myspace.com/magicalcrap
new pictures, blah blah blah.
I miss yous guys.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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9:06 am - ........
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| Monday, July 24th, 2006
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3:43 pm - why why why
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why is it that everytime I talk to you I
become insecure all over again.. lose all
my forward momentum. I hate this feeling in
my stomach.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
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8:23 pm
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Have you ever wanted to issue a primal scream? Where you open
your mouth and scream with your entire body.. just scream and scream
until your throat is raw and you don't have any breath left. Yeah,
that's what's going on in my head as I sit here quietly like a good
little girl. I need to get out of here. I need to get away. Soon.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 15th, 2006
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5:37 pm - No title. just rambling.
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It's hot. like.. uber hot. What's going on in the super secret
squirrel life of Cat. Weeell.. all the money I had saved up for my apartment?
Yeah, into my truck yesterday in repairs. wee hoo. Back to square one. The thought
of getting out of my parent's house again grows dimmer and dimmer. It's like
being assured that parole is imminent, and on the last day of your incarceration you
are forced to stab someone that is molesting your elbow and BAM. Back inside for
another six. Dammit.
Work is ok. Still trying to get unburied after being gone for a week last week
on vacation. Vacation was sooooo nice. We went to Oregon for camping and white
water rafting for the week. It was indescribably beautiful. I never wanted
to come home.
Personal life.. what personal life? I had someone that I was kind of seeing.. we're
still sort of seeing each other kinda once in a while but he can't be what I need him
to be until he gets his personal life situated. Fair enough, but what do I do in the
meantime? Sit and pine for that maybe one day a week? Ach. Who knows. It's not like
there are super prospects otherwise. The string of bad dates I've been on would
seriously make for fantastic reality tv. I should write memoirs or something. Allow
my pain and tribulations to amuse millions world wide. Bridget Jones eat your heart
out.
So I'll leave you with this plea: Men. Listen up. Screw what women said in the 80's
and early 90's. WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEMININE SIDES! We want
men. Real men. Men that work hard and take pride in a job well done. Men that get
uncomfortable when we cry but hold us anyway. Men that know how to fix a flat tire and
laugh at the thought of bothering AAA just for a little gas. Don't get manicures and
pedicures.. just clip 'em and keep 'em clean. Don't take longer to get ready than we
do. Know how to use a barbeque for pete's sake!
Don't get me wrong, I'm all about equality between the sexes, blah blah blah. I'm just
old fashioned. Screw you if you don't like the fact that I want the man to be the man
in the relationship, and I'll be the woman. Sheesh. Rant over.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
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9:36 am - Be my date Sept. 20th
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| Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
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8:15 am
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Why do we worry about something so much that
by the time the actual event is to occur we're nearly
sick physically with anxiety? I'm only going to spend
a couple of hours packing some boxes. That's it. But
the thought of being around him for that long has me
in a panic. For no good reason. We're on good terms,
he's been a total sweetheart, really been there for me,
so why does spending time with him freak me out?
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 26th, 2006
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4:18 pm - I am moving to Europe!
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Irish and Scottish men just do it for me. Too bad there aren't any around me in dear old San Diego. *sigh*
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 25th, 2006
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10:27 am - For those of you that know me well
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| Monday, June 19th, 2006
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12:30 pm - you think I'd learn by now
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Stupid, so fucking stupid. It's my fault, I know this.
It's what I get for thinking I'd found someone I could
finally trust. Yeah, not going to let anyone in that close
ever again.
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| Thursday, June 8th, 2006
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8:55 am
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| Monday, June 5th, 2006
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8:38 am - Hey car lovers...
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Clients of mine are selling a cherry 72 Nova.. anyone interested?
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
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2:41 pm - I am an island unto myself
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I want to let you in but I'm afraid
you'll erode me into nothingness.
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(comment on this)
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8:39 am
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let go let go let go let go let go
just breathe
let go let go please god help me
let go.
of it all.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
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10:36 am - Camping!
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Anyone want to go camping with me for the weekend,
sometime in the next month? I have all this brandy
new camping gear that I am dying to try out, but I
am not allowed to go by myself. It is a 4 man tent,
I have a queen sized air bed, camping stove, chairs,
canopy, etc. Any takers? We can take my truck.. it'll
be free except for your food/drink.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 6th, 2006
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2:37 pm - A co dependent's lovesong.
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Getting to know yourself truly for the first time
in your entire life.. man. It's hard. Beyond hard.
Especially when your mind (your own worst enemy) keeps
pulling you away from what you're learning and tries to
shove your nose in your old shit. After the one co-dependent's
anonymous meeting I went to, I haven't been back. I suppose
there are different kinds of meetings, and I could try something
else. Something's just been stopping me. I want to get better.
I want to heal from my past, accept the fact.. truly truly accept
the fact that I'm a good person, worth good things. Trying
to change behaviours you've had for almost 28 years is damned
near impossible.
I'm supposed to be discovering my inner child. Helping her
heal and find her way out of the misty place she's lost in.
Yeah, I have no frikken clue how to even start looking for her.
I went to Sea World with friends and decided to let myself spend
30 bucks on this giant soft cuddly stuffed manatee. I was enamoured
for about five minutes before the guilt of how much money I just
spent washed over me. So much for being a little kid. I keep getting
in my own way. Anyone have any ideas? I'm feeling very alone and
very frustrated right now...
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(13 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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12:14 pm - spiraling down down down SPLAT!
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yeah. gloom doom and the socially unacceptable.
Or the socially inept. Or that point you reach in
your own head where you're ready to just lie down (lay down?)
pack cotton in your ears and pretend the world went
kablooie. Yeah.
situational depression sucks. You can't pill yourself, you
can't speed the situation up, you just need to work it. blah.
forget the fact that we were awful together, my pride is still
squishy because he doesn't want me. granted, I don't want
him either, but the squishy pride thingy. ach. then there's the
good ole "way to console yourself through your pocketbook and
screw yourself in the ole' patootie". rad. at least I still
have coffee. although I feel the heartburn creeping in. if you
love me you'll come visit me as I am unable to afford gas in my
monster of a truck, and it seems like the people I actually give
a shit about are too far away for tri-cycles. bastards.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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magicalcrap's journal